 Bin
Laden Frustrated with Lack of News Coverage
By Artie Leary
In a stunning turn of events Osama Bin
Laden has decided to become more open with the press and public.
Inside sources say Mr. Bin Laden has been frustrated with the ratings
of his new videos and audio clips. In fact it is now believed he
is reaching out to alternative media outlets to get his message across.
Last night VH-1 began filming what has
been initially named “Bin Laden, Behind the Terror”. In this
piece, we will see Bin Laden’s softer side as he demonstrates some of
his hobbies such as stamp collecting, scrap booking, being pen pals
with Fidel Castro and knitting booties for Arabian children.
He’ll also give us a tour of his cave in an upcoming episode of MTV’s
“Cribs”. Word on the street is that Bin Laden will take us inside
his secluded four bedroom cave and provide a tour that reveals not only
the luxury he now lives in but also his walk-in closet that houses four
hundred dirty robes and two hundred pairs of feces stained sandals!
Apparently Osama is so starved for
attention that he approached the New York Times with a concept for his
own newspaper column. He wants his own advice column called “Ask
Osama” where infidels can write to him and ask advice on various
pressing issues such as ‘Starting Jihad’ and ‘How to decorate a terror
camp’. Unfortunately when he sent his submission to the Times he
included sample responses. Apparently each of his responses to
the written questions was “All Infidels must Die”.
Some suspect that Osama’s videos have
reached an all time low in ratings due to the Hollywood writer’s
strike. Other’s who are close to Bin Laden say that the lack of
creativity in his videos as well as audios is due to the distraction
made by Osama’s new girlfriend, Jessica Simpson.
Television networks are weighing their
options now on whether or not to play Osama’s new Super Bowl
commercial. He sent in the video with five million dollars in
hopes he can send his message to millions of people world wide.
An anonymous source who has seen the commercial says that in the video,
it is apparent that Osama is going through a midlife crisis.
Allegedly Mr. Bin Laden has received a die job on his beard and
head. Sources say he also received Botox treatment on his face
and neck and the whole commercial is filmed with Bin Laden driving a
convertible down the Pacific Coast Highway.
One former associate of Mr. Bin
Laden’s has reported that his mid life crisis is so bad that he is
often heard asking potential terrorists if his robe makes him look
fat. In a sign that he has modernized himself, he wears dark
sunglasses most of the day and can be heard attempting to sing “Cuz
every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man”.
To show a softer side, Bin Laden has
attempted to befriend a pet. Unfortunately for him he’s having
trouble finding a compatible species. He first tried a kitten,
but the incessant purring was too much so he got rid of it. Next
he tried a dog, but after he found out it wasn’t a thoroughbred he
couldn’t stand to look at it and felt betrayed. Finally he
settled on a fitting pet…a cockroach. Bin Laden named his pet
cockroach Jack after the two of them watched the original Batman
together. Osama fell in love with Jack Nicholson and his ‘Joker’
character.
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