 Marital conflict is
inevitable. Is all fair?
Wednesday Jan 16, 2008 10.03 EST
By Mike Scarlett
All is Fair in Love and War
by "The Counselor"
Conflict is inevitable. Many agree, “There shall be wars, and
rumors of wars.” No country enters a war without a commitment to
win. As a result, extreme measures are often taken to inflict as
much damage, and suffering as possible, in an attempt to subdue the
enemy. The goal is to win, whatever the cost.
Recently our country has been in an uproar about whether or not we
should use torture in the “war on terror”. This debate is good,
because it has reminded us that there are some lines that we, as
civilized people, should not cross.
As I have pondered this, my mind has wondered to the subject of
“marital conflict”. Just like military wars, when a battle begins
within a marriage, both sides have every intention of
winning. Sometimes the fights are short, because one person
in the marriage has more power than the other. But when both
parties are fairly equally matched, the battles take longer. When
couples fight, each individual pulls out of his, or her war chest all
the weapons that they can find. Remember, the intent of war is to
win, whatever the cost.
We don’t hesitate to do, or say hurtful things that cut to the
bone. This is often done in the name of proving we are right, or
more importantly that the other person is wrong. But, at
what cost? We have little regard to the long-term emotional, or
physical damage that may be done. As the old saying goes, “win a
battle, lose a war.”
I have met some who claim that they’ve never had an argument, or fight
with their spouse. All I have to say to this is that they
probably lie about other things too. Marital conflict is
inevitable. Face it; we all want what we want, when we want
it. Our own self-centeredness predetermines that we will be in
conflict with others.
During domestic disputes, just as in military conflicts, there are some
lines that civilized people should not cross. It takes true valor
to limit oneself in the midst of a fight. As a veteran of marital
conflict myself, I offer to you some Rules of Engagement for Marital
Wars.
* You must treat your spouse just as you would like
to be treated.
* Focus on the reason for the current conflict, and
don’t bring up past hurts, or grievances.
* Allow your partner to have a difference of
opinion, and try to see their point of view.
* You must protect your family at all times against
acts of violence, intimidation, insults, and
public embarrassment.
* Don’t fight in public places.
* Yelling is not permitted.
* Use proper grammar (don’t use profanity).
* Physical, or mental abuse is not allowed.
* Manipulation is not allowed: no withholding of
love, affection, or acceptance in order to win a fight.
* Refrain from name-calling, belittling, and slander.
* Allow your loved one to retreat without being
pursued.
* Don’t damage the other’s possessions.
* Don’t withhold physical needs as punishment.
* Don’t fight in front of the children.
* Children cannot be used as pawns in the fight.
* Consider deferring your desires.
* Try to resolve your dispute and make peace before
you go to bed.
Even though marital conflict is inevitable, our individual responses on
how we fight our battles are not. They say that all is fair in
love and war. If that is true, then let us decide to fight fairly.
Steps to Change
New Year’s resolutions are as American as Apple Pie. We have all
made them. We see the New Year as an opportunity to make positive
changes in our lives. Change is difficult though, because it
requires replacing old habits with new ones.
|
