| Next week I’m
launching my own phone call service. For just fifteen dollars a
month someone in my company will make unlimited phone calls for you,
pretending to be you. This means that you will no longer need to
make that weekly call to your mother and listen to her endless list of
ailments all while trying to pretend you’re interested. A
representative from my company will not only make the phone call and
pretend that he or she is genuinely interested (which you never do) but
they will also have an internet database of additional ailments that
your mother can use when she calls your siblings. Another type of call offered by my new service will be calling in sick to your employer. The people that I have hired are all former actors so they can pretend to have a whole range of issues that can buy you a day out of work guilt free. From sicknesses to family deaths to lost pets, my people are so convincing that your boss will be sending you flowers and a “We miss you” card while you’re out on the town enjoying your day off. One of the most popular types of calls that my service offers is the “break up” call. In an attempt to go the extra mile I have put together a special team of callers that will not only call your boyfriend or girlfriend and break up with them but they will also call all of their friends and spread nasty rumors about them so that you look like the victim. By the end of the week you’ll be the hero of the relationship for all the heartache you’ve had to endure over the course of your relationship. On the flip side of the break up call is the “make a date call”. This call offers the customer a chance to contact that sexy guy or girl from school or work that they don’t have the courage to call. And my callers won’t stumble and stutter. You’re phone prowess will be the talk of the town as the most popular people want to date you! I think this new service is really going to take off. We already have a large number of advanced orders from some big corporations and government agencies. The White House has asked if we can call Iran and tell them to stop making them look bad. I guess George Bush figures if he makes the call himself he’ll end up using the wrong words or phrase and will end up declaring war. You know, like last time. Outside of the defined phone calls our customers can make special requests as well. For example, if you need someone to call your mother in law and tell her to stop bringing that foul smelling meat loaf with her every time she visits, we’ll take care of it. Or if you need someone to call a co-worker and tell them you’re married and their advances are making you sick, we can do it. The aim of this service is to eliminate people from having to make any uncomfortable phone calls themselves. This is just the beginning too. Next year we plan on offering a line of threatening phone calls. I know I could have used a service like this in high school. |
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