6
Ways to Communicate Clearly with Your Teen
by Christine McGogy
When we think of communication, we tend to think
only of the way we can express ourselves. This is certainly important,
but listening is the single most crucial of all communication skills.
As a mother of two teenage boys I know that it
isn't always easy to communicate well with your teen.
It's particularly frustrating when they aren't
talking to you. However, when I started applying these techniques to
our lives, I found that we started getting along better almost
immediately. There was less arguing between us, and our relationship
became stronger.
1. Make Your Teen Your Focus
Give your teen your full attention. I know that
this is a toughie, because we tend to be so busy. It seems like we are
always multi-tasking. However, it is important in clear communicating
that you make a point of stopping what you are doing and really listen
to your teen (rather than just hearing them).
When you give your teen your undivided attention
they will know that you care, because you took the time to listen, and
it will increase the chances that they will listen to you.
2. Get the Details
Hear what your teen is really saying! Teens tend
to give terse answers to questions, leaving out details that may be
important. It's up to you to be able to get them to open up and draw
them into a conversation.
Here is an example: Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Oh, you don't really mean that!" Teen: "Yes, I do, I double
hate him!" Parent: "Well, I don't want to hear that kind of talk. I am
sure you don't really hate him!" Teen: "Yes, I do so, I hate all
teachers!" Parent: "Do you think hating your teachers is going to get
you a good mark?" And on and on the arguing goes....
Here’s an alternative: Teen: "I hate my teacher!"
Parent: "Wow, you don't normally hate anybody. What did he do to get
you talking like that?" Teen: "A couple of kids didn't have their
homework finished again today, so he decided to punish all of us by
giving us a math test tomorrow!" Parent: "That doesn't sound very
fair!" Teen: "No, it isn't fair at all. I wanted to go over to Rachel's
tonight to hang out and listen to music. Instead I have to study for
that stupid test. I am so mad at my teacher! He ruins everything!"
Parent: just listening....... This teen was able to express herself and
felt validated by her parent.
You will notice that the parent didn't argue about
the feelings the teen had. You don't have to agree with your teen’s
feelings; just acknowledge them. There is no such thing as a wrong
feeling. We can’t help what our teens may feel, however, we should set
limits on behaviors that don’t satisfy what we consider appropriate
behavior.
Expressing one's feelings is a healthy thing;
although negative expressions of one’s feelings should be avoided; like
screaming or name calling. A good way to avoid this is using ‘time
outs’ - wait and continue the conversation when everybody has calmed
down.
3. Open-Ended Questions
Questions can be crucial to communicating with
your teen. Ask them questions that they can't just answer with a “yes”
or a “no”.
For example in the above scenario the parent could
ask the teen, "What could you do to help your teacher change his mind
about the test?" Teen: "I am not sure - this guy is so stubborn!"
Parent: "If you talked to him and came up with better ways for him to
deal with the kids that aren't doing their homework?" Teen: "Mmhhh,
maybe I could give it a try....?"
4. Criticize Behaviors, Not Your Teen
Now, let's move from the listening to the talking
part of communication. When you want to see a change in your teen's
behavior, use the "when you...I feel...because...I need ...” sentence.
Using this wording (known as “ I “ message) doesn't attack your teen's
personality; it merely talks about their action and that you'd like it
changed and why.
Here is a scenario you might relate to: The chores
haven't been done and your teen went out instead. This example shows
not the best way of communicating by attacking them as a person and
making statements you may not stick to anyways.
Parent: "You didn't do your chores! You are such a
lazy slob! You never do your chores and I always have to do them for
you. Next time you don't do them I am going to ground you for a week!
Teen: feeling pretty lousy...
Now here is an example with using the: when
you...I feel...because...I need – technique:
Parent: "When you didn't do your chores before
going out, I felt really mad. We had an agreement about chores being
done before going out and I need you to do your part of the chores or I
am stuck doing them for you.” Teen: thinking – “I guess that makes
sense.”
Remember when you start a sentence with “You are
such and such…” , you aren’t communicating. You are criticizing!
5. Let the Consequence Fit the Action
A fairly big problem that parents run into is
looking for suitable punishment for broken rules. However, the penalty
applied usually isn't related to the teen’s action. As parents, we need
to show our teens that each choice they make has consequences. Parents
tend to punish their teens by taking away something the adolescent
enjoys; for example, no TV for a week. Take the above example of the
unwashed laundry. It would be more beneficial to the development of
your teen if you base the penalty on a natural connection between his
action and the punishment. A good way of showing the consequences to
his action in this instance would be having your teen do your chores as
well as his next time, since you had to do his this time. When
following this step you are practicing "silent communication" with your
teen. Letting your teen experience the natural consequence of his
actions speaks louder than any words ever would! It illustrates to them
that they will be held accountable for what they do.
As they grow teens tend to get more privileges
from parents. It is important for them to realize that with the extra
freedom there is more responsibility that goes along with it.
6. Using Descriptive Praise
We all praise our teen sometimes. We tell them
"You are a smart kid" or "You are a good piano player" etc. We mean
well, but unfortunately this kind of praise doesn't get the desired
effect of making your teen feel good about himself. Why is that? It is
because what we are doing is evaluating their actions. With this type
of praise, we aren’t giving evidence to support our claims, and this
makes the praise fall flat, and seem empty and unconvincing.
We need to describe in detail what they are doing
and as your teen recognizes the truth in your words they can then
evaluate his actions and credit themselves.
Here is an example (evaluating praise): Teen:
"Hey Ma, I got a 90 on my geometry test!" Parent: "Fantastic! You are a
genius!" Teen: thinking - "I wish. I only got it 'cause Paul helped me
study. He is the genius."
Descriptive praise: Teen: "Hey Ma, I got a 90 on
my geometry test!" Parent: "You must be so pleased. You did a lot of
studying for that test!" Teen: thinking - "I can really do geometry
when I work at it!"
Describing your teen's action rather then
evaluating them with an easy "good" or "great" or labeling like "slow
learner" or "scatterbrain" isn't easy to do at first, because we are
all unaccustomed to doing it. However, once you get into the habit of
looking carefully at your teen's action and putting it into words what
you see, you will do it more and more easily and with growing pleasure.
Adolescents need the kind of emotional nourishment
that will help them become independent, creative thinkers and doers, so
they aren't looking to others for approval all the time. With this sort
of praise, teens will trust themselves and they won’t need everybody
else's opinion to tell them how they are doing.
Another challenging problem is when and how we
criticize our teens. Instead of pointing out what's wrong with your
teen’s actions, try describing what is right and then what still needs
doing.
Example: Teen hasn't done his laundry yet. Parent:
"How is the laundry coming? Teen: "I am working on it." Parent: "I see
that you picked up your clothes in your room and in the family room and
put it in the hamper. You are half way there."
This parent talks with encouragement,
acknowledging what has been done so far rather then pointing out what
hasn't been done yet.
For more helpful information and examples on good
communication with your child I highly recommend the book by Adele
Faber & Elaine Mazlish called: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and
Listen So They Will Talk, Publisher: Harper, ISBN:0380811960.
Also, in the Fall 2005 a new teen version of the
book is scheduled to be published - “How to Talk so Teens Will Listen”
– ISBN: 0060741252. Keep your eye out for it!
"Parents need to fill a child's bucket of
self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes
in it to drain it dry."
- Alvin Price
This article was written by Christine G. McGogy
-Owner of Teenacity.com!
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Christine McGogy may be contacted at http://www.teenacity.com/parents.htm
or mcgogyc@shaw.ca
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