President of Earth

by Artie Leary 

   This morning while I was in the shower I decided to run for president.  Not president of the United States but President of Earth.  At first I was going to call myself President of the World but since there is undoubtedly other forms of life out there, some of which might actually be more advanced than us, I decided to limit my jurisdiction to president of just this planet.  Of course there are a few obstacles I'll need to overcome before I can officially be recognized as president. 

      First, I'll need there to actually be a position called President of Earth but I think if I write my congressman that shouldn't be a problem.  After all, our congressmen do read each of our letters and understand that if they want to get re-elected they better act accordingly.

      Second, I should probably get an updated map of the planet so I can speak intelligently to the masses.  The map I have now still has Iraq as an independent country.  I'm pretty sure that was recently named the fifty third state of the United States right after Iran and North Korea.  I think Iraq is now called Bushland or The Republic of Halliburton.

      Once I become President of Earth there will be a few major changes to the way things are done.  The first thing I'll do is order everyone to speak English.  I hate it when people say bad things about me  in foreign languages and all I can do is smile like I think they're complimenting me.  That's no way to treat the future president of your planet, Mom!

      Then there's baseball.  I will ask every country on the planet to create a baseball team.  It is in sport that mankind will learn to settle their differences instead of war.  You never see Boston and New York bombing each other do you?  No!  That's because we have the Yankees and Red Sox rivalry.  I can see it now...France versus United States in the World Series to determine who gets the rights to Saint Martin Island.

      And we'll hold the Olympics every year.  Of course I'll get one of those fancy club seats with the waitress who brings you your beer and hot dog with a smile.  Just one perk of being President of Earth I guess.

      Other perks to the position include a great health plan, sixty three major Earth holidays and five sick days.  I tried to get more paid sick leave but Human Resources wasn't playing nice.  Instead of  living in the White House like the President of the United States, I as the President of Earth will be allowed to choose anywhere on the planet to live during my twenty year term.  I think I'll choose Australia.  I heard their toilets actually flush counter clockwise.  That's just nuts.

      I'll live in a huge presidential palace with central air and everything.  I won't need Secret Service protection because all the people will love me for providing peace on Earth.  There will be one massive armed forces under my command.  It will not be used to harm other Earthlings.  It is only there in the event we are invaded by extra terrestrials.  I'll call them Earth Force and they'll have really cool uniforms.

      If I'm elected President of Earth people will learn to trust and appreciate their brothers and sisters.  I will lead by example and show the entire population what we can accomplish if we act as one cohesive race instead of dozens of individual races all claiming superiority and birth rites.  Of course we'll have to accomplish all those wonderful things in a thirty hour work week because this forty hours is for the birds.

      Lastly I'd like to close with this.  If I am elected President of Earth as I hoped and dreamed I would in the shower this morning, I promise to be an honest and trustworthy leader.  Because after all, isn't that all we really want?  A politician that just tells the truth.

      If you agree that I would make an ideal President of Earth then write your congressman today and make it happen.  Remember, even the largest ocean waves begin with a mere drip of water.  I am that drip.

Artie
May 2007