Commandments
of Driving?
By
Artie Leary
At first I thought someone had left
some sort of tabloid newspaper in the men’s room so I had to check the
internet when I got back to my desk. Turns out its true!
According to Yahoo news among others, the Vatican on Tuesday issued a
"Ten Commandments" for motorists to keep them on the road to salvation,
warning drivers against the sins of road rage, abuse of alcohol or even
simple rudeness.
I don’t know about you but I’m not
sure the Pope is exactly an expert on how people should drive. He
may be a great man and the closest contact we have to God – you may
disagree and that’s fine. What I don’t understand is how someone
who is driven around in a fishbowl with bullet-proof glass called the
Pope Mobile can be an authority on how we sinners should drive.
The first commandment of driving is
thou shalt not kill. No offense to anyone but I think we should
check the copyright on this one. I’m pretty sure that’s included
in the original version of the commandments.
Another touch of omnipotent wisdom
states that “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and
domination, and an occasion of sin”. There go the drive-in
movies. I’d also like to add that the Pope just called an entire
baby boom illegitimate. It’s a fact that the population of the
United States exploded with the invention of the car.
My favorite is “Bring guilty motorists
and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can
undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness”. I have a
message for the guy in the blue pickup who cut me off on route 128 this
morning…instead of forgiveness I’d like to liberate your legs from your
body.
I think I’d like to barter with the
Pope on this Motorist Commandments thing. I’ll follow your rules
for life in general but when it comes to my daily commute these are the
rules we should follow…in order of importance.
- An eye for an
eye: if you cut me off, and if I have time before my exit, I will
be cutting you off too.
- Do unto others as
you would have done to your mom. Basically cut me some slack at
6:30 am. I’m half awake and so are you. Can’t we all just
get along?
- Speed kills but
going too slow makes me want to kill you. If you can’t at least
go the speed limit on the highway then please STAY HOME.
- Once your hair
turns blue, a passenger becomes you. Know when to give it up
grandma! Leave the driving to those of us who don’t remember the
Titanic.
- If you have a car
that is worth less than two thousand dollars but has five thousand
dollars of accessories on it you shall be stripped of your license and
made to take an economics course at the nearest high school.
- Last one there is
a rotten egg!
- If you can’t get
the snow off your roof too then you deserve to be honked at. Why
is it that some people insist on cleaning off the snow on the front and
back windows leaving the rest to blow off in large chunks, land on my
hood and make me soil my pants?
- All hygiene must
be done at home or your car and health care products will be
confiscated. I actually saw a yuppie trimming the hair around his
ears while driving a BMW last week. I tried to rear end him so
he’d stab himself but my car stalled. Damn fifteen year old
clutch!
- The right of way
goes to the person who arrives at the stop sign first. It does
NOT depend on the size of your vehicle, the level of testosterone in
your body or the fact that your I.Q. is lower than the number of
qualified candidates currently running for President of the United
States.
- If you can buy it
online, have it delivered or go without, then please do so and leave
your car at home. I find the whole problem with traffic is the
number of cars out there in the first place!
I think these are some
rules we can adhere to as sinners. I wonder what commandments the
Vatican will come up with next. Maybe ten commandments while
playing in an online strip poker tournament?
