BY ARTIE LEARY |  Today the Bush Administration signed into law a bill which will force car manufacturers to increase fuel efficiency by forty percent.  This is great news for America because our cars will now require less fuel which in turn means we will not need to purchase as much fuel from outside countries.

      The increase in car efficiency is just the tip of the iceberg.  (If you’ve never seen an iceberg you better check one out soon because they’re all melting).  Other ideas put forth by the President to reduce the amount of fuel consumed by the American population were discussed as well but Congress only felt comfortable with the auto efficiency proposal.  Below I have outlined some of the other possibilities that we may still see in the near future if President Bush gets his way before leaving office.

      Please note that the President is well aware that the people of America do not like sudden change so his ideas will ease us into more practical fuel consumption.

      The following is President Bush’s six point plan to reduce dependency on foreign oil.

         1. Workers will now be required to ride their bicycles to work each morning to cut car mileage in half.  When asked how the workers would get home from work President Bush responded “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three thousand four hundred and eighty two times during my presidency and I must be an idiot”.  Vice President Cheney was seen rolling his eyes at this response. 

         2. The United States will pay for Iran to create vast amounts of nuclear energy and then we’ll run an enormous extension cord across the ocean to New York so we can share the power.  We have been assured that all this talk about Iran bombing Israel with nuclear weapons was due to the President of Iran being in a foul mood and “feeling fat and not so pretty the last few months”.  Luckily he now belongs to a health club and those feelings have passed. 

         3. President Bush proposed cloning millions of mice to run in those little metal wheels so they can produce energy.  When asked how we would feed them Mr. Bush informed Congress that mice don’t eat…that’s why they’re so small.

          4. In an effort to harness the vast energy in ocean currents the President has sent an expert team to Disney’s Typhoon Lagoon to run some experiments on really big waves.  No concrete results have been returned yet but reports have indicated Condi Rice has become quite the body surfer. 

         5. The president believes that if the Sun can produce energy then the moon must be able too “without all the hot”.  He says we can be the first country to land on the moon if we put our minds to it and study hard when we’re young…before we start drinking and buying baseball teams and such.

          6. People need to eat more Power Bars.  Duh, they have Power right in them.

      Well there you have it my fellow Americans, President Bush’s six point plan to reduce the United States dependency on foreign oil.  There are rumors circulating that every leader in the Middle East has said they are going to miss President Bush and his wealth of knowledge.  The President in turn agreed by saying he too will miss his knowledge and in fact he’s missed his knowledge for years.

N E X T_P A G E _| The Season of Giving    Everyone was in good spirits as they picked out toys that they knew would bring a smile to a child’s face on Christmas morning.  Everyone was cheerful as they spent hundreds of dollars on toys that would be broken, lost or abandoned by this time next year.  Everyone that is except one woman…the Anti-Christmas Shrew. Continued