According to my sources we have now learned that staying inside can actually protect humans from skin cancer and other diseases of the epidermis.  At first many people ridiculed the theory but an international team working in Daytona Beach discovered almost by accident that when they remain inside they seem to get less sunburn. 

      Eight out of ten people who work from home have been in fewer car accidents during rush hour than those who endure a daily commute.  Tests are inconclusive but one expert says this may be due to the fact that they don’t own cars. 

      Apparently jumping off tall buildings and trying to fly can cause serious injury and / or death.  Human trials are to continue this summer but so far all clinical trials using monkeys and elephants have proven successful. 

      Drinking milk may be the leading cause of those mysterious white mustaches appearing on both men and women.  Researchers say the preliminary findings are still just theory and a cure may be fifteen to twenty years away. 

      Cheese may be the food that makes people the happiest.  This theory came out of nowhere but so far EVERY mouse tested has proven cheese can make you just plain giddy.  When asked outside Disney World, Mickey Mouse was quoted as saying “Abso-Freakin-Lutely”. 

      Worrying too much can cause stress.  Doctors have toiled over this one for years but have become too obsessed with it to continue and have turned to studying herbal remedies. 

      An international team of physicians has learned that making love to strange women can cause divorce among married men.  So far the results of women making love to strange men are inconclusive because the husbands failed to listen when the women admitted their infidelity. 

      After a thirty year trial scientists in New England have concluded that mowing your lawn in the nude causes “Sunburned Bottom Syndrome” or SBS.  My source tells me that forty seven test subjects were arrested over the course of these trials but luckily our tax dollars were used to bail them out. 

      Driving over the speed limit can cause serious harm or death but may actually take you to your destination quicker than driving the limit.  Again, tests are inconclusive because the police would not cooperate with the scientists. 

      Walking up stairs can actually take you to a higher altitude.  I don’t have a lot of information on this breakthrough but I’m excited at the possibilities. 

      Another discovery that cost tax payers over one billions dollars:  Thanksgiving is in November followed by Christmas in December. 

      This one blew me away.  I had always suspected but apparently now it has been proven.  Bigfoot is actually a middle aged man from the Bronx, NY who after breaking up with his girlfriend had an overdose of Rogaine.  The former girlfriend testified that she made fun of his baldness and feels just terrible about the situation. 

      So you see folks, it isn’t always going to be the cure for Polio or the advent of penicillin.  Sometimes it’s the obscure things for which we can thank the world of science and medicine.