Faxts - Life Editors

My Bid to Go Pro

by Artie Leary 

      While watching my daughter play soccer this weekend and witnessing all of her potential as an athlete I drifted off into a daydream.  As I enter my late thirties and my body starts to show signs of deterioration I've decided that this may be my last chance to play a professional sport.  Ah, but what sport suits me best.  Let's run through my choices.

      There's soccer like my daughter.  Imagine the excitement of scoring a winning goal or hearing the crowd chant my name as I single handedly weave through the defense at speeds so fast that the wind blows my hair back to look like a thoroughbred horse's mane.  Wait, I'm balding and my knees hurt when I run.  Soccer sure does have a lot of running.  I better move on.

      Basketball was always my favorite sport when growing up.  I used to have one heck of a jump shot in my day.  I could drain a three at the drop of a hat.  I remember this one game I hit seven three pointers to lead my team to victory.  Of course that was the same day John Lund threw an elbow at me and knocked out a tooth.  It took the dentist five visits to get that thing right.  Okay, no contact sports.  That eliminates basketball, boxing, football...many of my favorites.

      Here we go.  Baseball.  There is very little contact in baseball and even when there is I can easily avoid it.  If I play the outfield I will barely even work up a sweat.  Unless of course it's hot on game day.  And they do play during the summer.  I have very fair skin and burn easily.  Now I'm thinking those harmful UV rays from the sun may just be an invitation for skin damage.  I better stick to non-contact, indoor sports.

      Let's see, what sports are there that I'm good at that don't involve being outside or have any contact?  I've always been terrible at billiards.  I can't even hit the cue ball let alone sink another ball.  I was good at ping pong for a while until everyone started calling me Forrest Gump and telling me “Stupid is as Stupid Does”.  People can be mean.

      How about swimming?  No contact, no sun and low impact so I wouldn't be hurting my knees or hips like I do when I walk more than fifteen steps a day.  Oh wait a minute.  Is swimming the one where you put your face in that liquid that isn't conducive to breathing if you're a human?  Yeah, I'm trying to conserve myself.  The last time I did any significant swimming was when I was eleven.  I was over my uncle Jack's house who had an above ground pool.  You know the ones.  They say “NO DIVING” all around the outside.  Well I was eleven and didn't know the meaning of the words fear or common sense.  I dove in headfirst and headfirst was exactly how I hit the bottom.  After that I had trouble finding my way up to the surface and had to be pulled from the depths of that treacherous four feet of water.  Never again.

      There must be some sport out there that a thirty something male can still be significant in.  I'm just not thinking hard enough.  Chess is fun but I still don't understand it enough to go pro.  I like the little guys that look like horses.  I always make mine gallop when I move him.  People get mad at me but how can you take a horse that seriously?  And why would a horse really attack a little castle or a king.  The whole game is crazy in my opinion.  I like games that are realistic, like solitaire.  One man against an entire deck of cards.  That game is a metaphor for life.  One card at a time deciding your fate.  Miss an opportunity and you may never uncover an ace.

      Sorry, where were we?  Right, me going pro.  Well fans it looks like there may not be a professional sport for me after all.  My time has come and gone.  It's a young person's world.  Elders are just here to be the spectators of those who will inherit the Earth.  I guess it's time for me to get on with my mid life crisis, buy a motorcycle and get a tattoo.  Although tattoos look like they hurt and motorcycles can tip over.  Maybe I'll just write this article then go take a nap.  After all, I am thirty-seven.

artie@DearArtie.com

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