I own a pickup truck so the initial getaway would be easy.  I’d just throw Large Marge in the back and drive off into the sunset.  Wait, you’re telling me you haven’t named your appliances?   

      The problem is Marge and I don’t have all the same tastes.  Therefore I think I would need to bring more than just one appliance with me if I were to run away.  For example, I hate being sticky.  That means “Whitey” the washing machine would need to join us.  Not sure how Whitey and Marge would get along because they haven’t spoken since the day we moved in.  They haven’t even seen each other since they were roommates at the store. 

      Then there’s “Flash”, the microwave.  She loves a quickie.  Some of the other appliances call her dirty and even wanted her kicked out of the house because of her fancy green clock and touchpad hidden under the door.  Flash and me go way back.  It was love at first sight when I saw her BTU’s and “twenty percent off” sign. 

      If there’s one piece of machinery in this house I don’t get along with it’s got to be Tommy the Treadmill.  He’s always complaining that I don’t spend enough time with him and that we don’t talk like we used to.  It all started when he came up with this “weight limit” thing.  Apparently I’m too big to play with him now.  Who’s the smart guy now Tommy?  Do you like living in the basement next to the cat’s litter box?  Maybe next time you won’t be so quick to criticize! 

      It’s not just the electric equipment in my house that I’ve grown close to.  We have a toilet whose name is John that I just adore.  Sometimes we’ll just sit and talk for hours.  Other times I’ll just read to him and he’ll quietly listen with that look of admiration.  He’s a good toilet.  We got him when he was just a pup. 

      Of course my best friend in way of modern conveniences is Sonny the Sony.  He’s our television.  He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.  It’s like he can read my mind.  If I’m tired and just need some mindless show to watch he’ll come up with something I can stare at without thinking until I fall asleep.  If I need something to cheer me up Sonny will throw a great sitcom my way and put a smile back on my face. 

      I remember this one time when I had a bad day at work and Sonny knew just what to say to me.  He threw on the movie “Office Space” and we worked through my issues.  It was his way of telling me that it’s just a job and there are more important things in life than my occupation.  Where would I be without Sonny the Sony? 

      I must admit my therapist told me I should never share the fact that I have these “friends”.  She calls them imaginary but I know they’re not.  They just don’t get out much.  Is it imaginary when you cry because the warranty on Dusty the Dryer has run out and he can’t take care of himself anymore?  Are my tears imaginary when Bobby the Blender says he’s too tired to “mix it up”?  I think not!  And believe me, if I could have married Large Marge I would have.

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