| In the weeks
following the 9/11
tragedy President Bush told all Americans that we need to pay closer
attention to our surroundings. He urged us all to be aware of our
neighbors and to report any suspicious activity. As the years go
by we as a people have somewhat let our guard down. It’s normal
behavior. As time passes and the horrible visions of that day
drift into the never regions of our memory we tend to forget the
message our fearless leader set forth so that we might be able to
protect ourselves and our loved ones from a future attack. Not too long ago I asked my team of secret spies to see if they could find anything in the White House that could help us understand why these terrorist organizations hate average Americans the way they do. I can understand people disliking our government for different reasons but American citizens are innocent bystanders. My spies were unable to find the answer to this question but what they did find was an important document. In George Bush’s nightstand next to his bed, under the bottle of antacid and next to his trashy romance novel was a list of fifteen tell-tale signs that you are in the midst of a terrorist organization or at least living near someone involved in a sleeper cell. Even though the spelling was atrocious and the memo was written in crayon I think it’s important to pass on the President’s wisdom. The following is the complete list of signs that you may be living next to a terrorist. 1. Return address on postcards and packages is “Uncle Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan”. 2. Instead of your neighbor using your name he calls you “The Infidel”. 3. In your backyard you have a swing-set for the kids. Your next door neighbor has a series of obstacles that masked men are always training on. 4. The mailbox at the end of the driveway next door says “Sleeper Cell” on it. 5. Osama Bin Laden frequently visits. When he arrives he is dressed like Elvis. 6. On the Fourth of July your neighbor launches grenades instead of fireworks. 7. Your neighbor stole the bed sheets you left to dry outside and now wears them out on the town as if mocking you. 8. When you leave for work and call across the yard to your neighbor you say “Good Morning Neighbor”. Your neighbor responds with “God willing, you will be struck by a bus today”. 9. If your neighbor has a weekly poker game but does not invite you even after you told him how good you are at Texas Hold’em he may be a terrorist. 10. If the man next door voted for Al Gore he most likely is in a sleeper cell. 11. If he talks about Global Warming like it’s real you should turn and run. Call the local authorities as quickly as possible. 12. If your cat wandered off and does not return your neighbor is most likely a terrorist. 13. If you suspect your neighbor is a terrorist then ask him over for a barbeque. If he says no, he’s a terrorist. 14. If the car in your neighbor’s driveway is a hybrid, call the FBI. 15. The easiest way to determine if your neighbor is a terrorist is to ask him. Terrorists are like under cover police. They have to admit their occupation if you ask them directly. I’m not sure why the President never published this handy dandy list of terrorist identifying tips. I know I never leave the house without it. In fact, I’ve posted it on all the utility polls in my neighborhood. Afterwards, for some reason my family wasn’t invited to the block party this summer…I bet they’re all terrorists. |
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